I like the idea of keeping a journal/diary/blog. The thought of taking all of your twisted complicated thoughts and putting them down so that you can stop chewing on them in your own head, that really appeals to me. The problem that arises is being able to actually convey those thoughts so that they make sense, and then actually letting them go and wanting to do so. Don't know if I'll ever get to that point but I can try.
The issue I have been chewing on (among many) is how much of our daily lives are we in control of. How much is free will and how much is fate and/or God. There is a book series that I love (Demonica by Larissa Ione, yes I love PNR's, get over it!)that has a set of characters who are looked after and protected by angels. These people--both extremely good, extremely evil, and everything in between--are being protected not because of who they are or works that they have done, but because their lives are pivotal to the fate of the world as we know it. They have to be kept alive because of some part they play in the grand plot of the fate of the worlds. They could be an axe murderer, but sometime in their life they are going to affect a change this is supposed to happen, so they must be kept alive. If one of them dies, nothing immediately happens other than the pain of loss for the angel protecting them, and there is no way of knowing what catastrophic events may have been set it motion by their death. It could very well be the end of the world, but no one would know until it was upon them.
I find this idea intriguing and often wonder if there are similar things at work in real life, maybe on a much smaller scale, maybe not... Since last June when I became a Unitarian Universalist, I have had many debates (mostly with my mom) about free will vs. God's will. (For the purposes of this discussion, fate and God's will are interchangeable) It seems like any person or any religious sect can speculate and decide these based on what holds up their beliefs the most, but really there is absolutely no way to tell. As Rev. Robin Tanner told me, not knowing in itself can be a belief--believing that there is just no way to know for sure.
I digress, this is not meant to be a commentary on religion (or lack thereof). Back to Larrissa Ione's Memitim and Primori--The angels and the pivotal people they protect. I wonder if there are similar things in our own lives. There have been many times when I have met someone in passing that I have had the overwhelming feeling that I am supposed to know them. Sometimes that's all it is, but other times it worries me and pokes at me until I begin to feel like that person was supposed to spur on a crucial event in my life and there is no way to tell how NOT knowing them will affect the outcome of my life. But to what extent can you follow your intuition? When does it become more than just a weird thought, to something that you need to heed and act on? And what if you can't act on it? What if you just see a picture of this person but you never actually come across them in real life? What if they are a celebrity, a politician, or someone equally out of reach? You can't approach someone and say "My gut tells me you are supposed to play an important role in my life. Wanna go have coffee?" At best you may get laughed at, at worst you may get shot....
But the funniest thing is that it's the "Wanna go have coffee" part that scares me the most. I know people make friends all the time. But that part of someone that can just say 'what the hell, let's go hang out' has always been broken in me... And not like a sad, depressed, pitiful broken--but literally, clinically, broken. I've only just recently been able to do that reluctantly with beta dogs (look forward to my next discussion, Pack behavior: Alpha Dog), but it does not come easy. So what do you do? How do you follow your intuition without looking crazy? What if I am crazy? :) I know I am a little. Are there forces out there like the Memitim who are there to make sure you come in contact with these people (maybe places, things, animals as well, who knows?)--and if so, at what point does your free will take over to make sure that these connections are made. Maybe all that Fate/God gives you is that feeling--the inexplicable draw to those people, the feeling that you are supposed to know them. Maybe the plight of humanity is to risk the stigma of insanity or freakishness and act on those feelings. Maybe the people who are brave enough to truly do that are the ones who live their best lives. Again, as Rev. Robin said, not knowing can be a belief--but so can be acting on faith.
I certainly don't claim any kind of extra sensory perception. Hell, I barely have a grip on the sensory perceptions I'm supposed to have! But I do believe I am more sensitive to things around me--including the real, and what I perceive to be the paranormal or fantastical. I also tend to be hyper-intuitive about people. I am able to sense moods, personalities and intentions a lot sooner than most people. My psychologist believed this was because of my anxiety disorders and a lifetime of trying to react to things before they escalate. I'm not sure, but it has taught me to never ignore a strong feeling.
This has happened to me many times. Just the ones I can remember right now--a waitress, a barrista at a coffee house, an author, an actor. None of those I have acted on, other than to comment 'I really like him/her.' This probably explains why those people are the ones I can remember, and why I still keep chewing this concept in my head.
What would you do? How would you do it? I am honestly curious.
Stay tuned for my next pointless philosophical discussion!