Friday, December 23, 2011

Don't Talk To Me About Rejection

I'm sitting here, waiting for a plane to take me to Iowa for Christmas. So this is as good a time as any to get back on the blogging bandwagon. Many of you know that I have finished my first full manuscript and have submitted it to several different publishers for review.

There are many different ways to go about this process, and everyone seems to have their opinion about which one is the 'correct' way. I weighed my options very carefully and agonized over which path would have the least margin for rejection, while not costing me more than I would ever make on the book.

I'll start by saying that I am not doing this to make money. Being able to make a living writing would be a dream come true, but it is most certainly not a given. I'm doing this for the thrill of seeing my stories lining the shelves of the bookstores, on the lists on Amazon and Goodreads, and to join the wonderful and welcoming community that is the Literary World.

I have received wonderful advice already from authors Larissa Ione and Kiersten Fay, who are very gracious about staying connected and interacting with their readers. It is the way I would hope to be, should I ever become successful in this.

When I researched the publishing process, I found many helpful articles and commentary but the majority of the subject matter seemed to be rejection: How to handle your first rejection letter, what to do when you fail, what to do if reviewers hate your book. All along those lines.

It is because of this, that I eventually decided to stay away from that kind of information, and from the 'traditional' process of manuscript submission. I know having my novel published is a long shot. I know that the journey to publication has been arduous and fraught with trials for many people.

I know this just as sure as I know that I never do anything the way I'm supposed to. Who's to say that I won't be successful in my own quirky way of doing things.

So I've decided to ignore all the voices and opinions that tell me what will probably happen, because I want to focus on what could happen.

So don't talk to me about rejection....

Monday, October 31, 2011

Bucket List - episode one

Life is short and I ain't getting any younger. So I've started working on my bucket list... Not that I have a list, per se... I'm just adding things to it as I go.

I've already done a few things that I wanted to do before I die, including visit several different countries, and meet my favorite musicians,

I'm working on two of my big ones right now, and they sort of relate to each other in a weird way. The first is writing a book-hopefully more than one, but it's a start. I'm actually almost done with the first draft, so I am actually going to focus on the second thing.

Ghost hunting. Or the more pc 'paranormal investigating'. Don't want to make a career out of it, but definitely a hobby. I wouldn't be doing it to prove to myself that ghosts exist-I already know they do from my own experiences.

It's more about validating those experiences, and searching for the unknown and unseen. It is also a way to confront my own personal fears.

Am I afraid of ghosts? Absolutely not. What I do have a fear of is leaving my back open an unguarded. If you know me, you'd know that I don't like to sit with my back to a room, and if there's no choice, I will always choose the seat facing the most people.

So being locked down in a dark building pricks at that fear, because in the dark, your back is always unguarded-unless you're up against a wall. So that will be hard for me, ghosts or no.

So, you might ask, how is someone who is as jumpy as a jackrabbit around human beings going to go on a ghost hunt? Good question. I have to figure out how to disengage that fight or flight response that kicks in when my back is exposed. It will be a challenge.

This will sound crazy to most people but it is something I've always been interested in. It will also double as book research, as my story has paranormal themes.

I have found a local paranormal group that has agreed to let me tag along on an investigation after a meeting to make sure I'm truly serious [sane] about it.

I'll keep everyone updated!

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Upcoming Events

I know, I have been a bad, bad blogger. Things are just so busy right now. Work is crazy as this is our super busy season, and I am the lone ranger of the graphics department. But that's job security! This summer is going to be crazy busy with all kinds of fun and exciting events!

My nephew Liam's third birthday party will be tomorrow. He is really coming out of his shell and not nearly as shy as he used to be, so I am excited to get to see him play with all his friends at Monkey Joe's. He's a spunky little thing.

Next Friday, while my husband is apparently going to take a curling class (yep, ice shuffleboard), Amanda and I are going to go to the Double Door to see some bluegrass. Yeehaw! I am finding now that smoking indoors has been outlawed in NC, I am able to enjoy going to clubs and bars a bit more. I never realized just how much my claustrophobia was enhanced by the giant cloud of smoke.

Coming up in July, on the 3rd & 4th we are going to the music festival at the Whitewater Center. On the 3rd, we will see Langhorne Slim (preceded by the Overmountain Men, headed up by Bob Crawford of the Avett Brothers). And on the 4th, we will see the New Familiars, and the headliner, personal fave ANDERS OSBORNE!! Been wanting to see him again since Amanda and I saw him perform with Voice of the Wetlands at the Visulite last month. Awesome soulful blues/rock and a super nice guy too. I'm hoping before the music starts, we will get to go rafting again.

Also in July, beach week (well, weekend for me) with the Davis clan. It will be great to see all of our nieces and nephews who come from over yonder in Iowa and Florida (you know, far, far away). There will be much games, golfing and probably shopping. Who knows what else!

Coming up in August, James and I will be racing in the Warrior Dash out at Rural Hill Farm. A 3 mile run/obstacle course, after which there will be much beer, food and music. It will be hot, and I might die from the running, but it will be a blast. I am hoping old friend Travis Dancy will be able to find out what bands are playing (or maybe new friend Micah Davidson will). As it is, we are pretty much planning to hang out both days and party.

In September, I will probably go see Paul Thorn with Amanda and her hubs (I'm kind of inviting myself) :-D

Meanwhile, I am working on my GD/Photo portfolio & website, because I am thinking of branching out in to some freelance work. Not so much for the money, but to get the chance to do some art for industries that get more exposure, such as music, sporting events, etc. It's a lot of work to do on the side, but I'm hoping it will lead to great experiences.

My book is resting on its laurels for the time being, as I don't want to force it out, so we will see what happens next at a later date.

Last but not least, I got my new ink last night. Emily from Cosmic Tattoos did an awesome job on my design, and I couldn't be happier with it. Even when the power went out for an hour right in the middle! If you've ever gotten a tattoo filled in after it's been sitting and getting sore for an hour, you'll understand how painful a situation that is. But it was worth it. And I will be keeping Emily in my thoughts as she goes into surgery today.

So that is my summer in a nutshell. I am sure more cool things will happen and I will report the breaking news. Have a good weekend, all.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Better Late Than Never

So I haven't posted in a long time. But let's face it, who's really reading this anyway? A lot has happened since my last post. Work has been crazy so I haven't had much time for anything but eat. sleep. work. eat. sleep. work. Which is a cycle I don't miss from working at ITAH. But unfortunately this is our busy season. Not much time for writing right now, unfortunately. :-/

I've been going to a lot of concerts lately, too. It's funny, because I don't really like concerts, considering my claustrophobia, agoraphobia, and general anxieties.... but I'll deal with it if it's someone I really, really like. And apparently this is the year that everyone I really, really like is coming to Charlotte.

First was Jonny Lang of course. You can read about that in a previous post. Next was the Avett Brothers who actually sold out Bojangles Coliseum. They were amazing, as always. But we were really far away, and sitting around some really obnoxious people. But I will always be there when they come to Charlotte, no matter how many panic attacks want to come out. James went with me to that one, of course.

Next was a favorite of mine, Tab Benoit and Voices of the Wetlands Allstars. I went with my buddy Amanda, same one who went to Jonny with me. I've got her addicted to Tab almost as much as I am. Anyway, VOWA is Tab's non-profit organization and music side project. While the show was absolutely awesome because we were right up front, basically touching the stage, I really want Tab Benoit to come back to Charlotte with his band and play his music. Because it is made of awesome! So I have been making a general pest of myself by posting on FB, emailing booking agents, managers, potential venues, etc, to make sure that people know there are a lot of fans out there. Then maybe Jonny will swing by again soon, too. This has also inspired me to try to make the trip down to NOLA next year for JazzFest. This year, Tab Benoit & The Avett Brothers played at the same time, different stages, so that would have been a disaster for me!

After that, Amanda and I went to a FREE concert in Charlotte for a personal favorite of both of ours, Josh Kelley!!!!! I have been listening to Josh Kelley since James and I started dating, so his older music reminds me of our early years. That concert was outdoors, and super fun although they ONLY had COORS! Blech. Josh is usually very fan friendly so we stalked for awhile, but he never came out. Also saw Gary Allen on that one, who I don't really listen to, but he puts on a really decent live show.

Coming up next, Amanda (assuming I can convince her), Chad and I will drive to Asheville to see Adele on June 18th!

After that, Anders Osborne is headlining a FREE concert at the WWC on the 4th. He is a sick guitarist too. He plays with Tab on the VOWA project, but his solo stuff is bluesy rock and he is a really, really cool guy. He came out and talked to fans at the VOWA show! He also interacts with fans on his FB page.

That is probably it unless OCMS comes to Charlotte, or until Tab Benoit comes back. Of course, my goal whenever I go to a concert or anywhere where there will be famous people, is to meet and possibly get pictures with, any of said famous people. So stay tuned for my stalking adventures.

In other news, my cousin Andrew married a wonderful lady named Tiffany, and I got to have an adventure out west to Jackson Hole, WY to see it!

My childhood friend Travis got married as well and that was really great to see.

My cousin Philip has moved back up this way to raise some hell (and go to school) so that is awesome, as we rarely got to see each other before.

Well, my battery is dying so that is the best recap I have. Stay tuned for more fun filled posts! Hopefully....

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Bad Blogger

I've been a bad, bad blogger. I need to get back into the swing. I have so much to write about. My trip to Wyoming, my writing progress, various family members in town, friends going insane. There is just not enough time in the world. I need to write a big, long post but alas, I still don't have time today either. I might as well wait till after the Tab Benoit concert tomorrow anyway. So wait with baited breath until then.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

As the pages turn ;)

I have been banging out my story lately. I can hardly write fast enough as the events happen in my head. I know it's not coming out perfect, but once I get to the end, I can go back through and beef it up--and fix the crap. I feel like I need to get to the end first so that the storyline doesn't get hung up and changed in the fixing of the details. It's hard to do though because it's a long story. On the flip side, I don't want to rush it and make the story sound forced.

I will roll like a freight train
And blow like a hurricane
Gonna run like a Mustang
Don't stop, don't stop for anything
-Jonny Lang

Btdub this was blogged on my iPhone.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Tribute to Jonny Lang

A lot of you out there have probably never even heard of Jonny Lang. Even if you're not into blues, I can tell you that you're missing out. I never new exactly how much until the other night, when I finally got to see him live after listening to him literally since I was 16. That man is probably the most dynamic single live performer I have ever seen.

And that's not even that this post is really about. I've never been one of those groupie chicks, and if you know me you'll know that my claustrophobia and agoraphobia makes me someone who doesn't usually care for concerts at all. So there are only a few artists that I would actually care to see live. I'm normally the type of person who kind of snickers at people who write letters to folks like Christina Aguilera or the Backstreet Boys saying how their music changed their life, blah blah blah. Not that anything is wrong with those artists (they are actually both still on my ipod), or those people (whatever keeps you going, right?), but I always thought it was kind of silly because that type of commercial music doesn't seem to have much of a deeper meaning to me.

I do however have one of those stories about Jonny Lang, and if I knew how to write to him, I probably would. I'll be the first to admit, I had a tough adolescence. While it didn't go nearly as bad as it does for some (i.e. sex, drugs, teen pregnancy, not finishing high school, running away, etc.), I was struggling with things like depression, anxiety and other disorders that we just didn't have names for yet. And now in hindsight, I can see that it even started much earlier than that. Music was always an escape for me, and when I was 15-17 I went through a time period where I was into classic Jazz and Blues, like Miles Davis, Charlie Parker, Billie Holliday, etc. I'll never know why my Mom picked this, but one day she brought me a modern blues CD and it was Wander This World by Jonny Lang. I had never head of him and I don't think she had either, but my mom had always had a talent of grabbing random movies that no one had heard of that usually ended up being good, so I gave it a shot.

This album became a constant companion and while I listened to other things, this is the one I always went back to when I was struggling with things. It also lifted me up that Jonny and I are nearly the same age, so being a 16 year old struggling through high school, it was awesome to have a role model that was my age.

Anyway, that's the back story of why I have always and will always love Jonny Lang's music. My husband, bless his poor little heavy metal lovin' heart, will tell you he's even been forced to listen to it some. So I was only a little embarrassed that I teared up a little when he first came out on stage. It was like the culmination of everything, good and bad, that I've been through in my life, and the music that has always been playing throughout it. And there it was. Live. As I like to say: words fail.

The thing about Jonny's performance is that the music never stops. One song just morphs into the next and it is never silent. If he needs a drink, or a guitar switch, the band keeps playing. Each band member gets a solo, and if they're not playing a particular song, he's just riffin' on the guitar or scattin' along with it. Nothing like it.

Another great thing about this show was the fact at there were men and women of all races, ages and backgrounds all coming together because of one amazing band! And I got to see a young boy just a little younger than I was when I first started listening to Jonny, and that makes me so happy. The cycle continues!

And while I'm not a fan of stand up shows because of the
claustrophobia, I'm glad this one was because we were SO close. Just two "rows" of crowd in front of us, so we literally got eye contact quite a lot. Yeah I know, stupid groupie thing to say. :D Anyway, I just felt the need to write about it because it meant so much to me. And even if you don't know Jonny Lang, but you like blues or just music in general, this is a show worth seeing!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

The Reader's Trance (followup)

I reread one of my scenes today, and I was able to trigger the trance response by reading my own work. It was only little bits at a time, because I kept getting the urge to edit, but it still happened. This is a very good thing. Maybe it is the writer's curse not to be able to imagine a scene and describe it at the same time. Maybe you have to do it frame by frame and if it creates a scene when you read it back, you're gold! Awesomeness is abound, faithful readers.

Back to work, back to work.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

The Reader's Trance

Now that I am getting into the descriptive part of my book, I am trying to study other authors’ writing styles to see how they handle introducing descriptions of their characters and the surroundings. However, I find that I cannot just read the words and analyze the writing style. I keep trying to do so, but almost immediately I get caught up in the story and basically trance the f—k out! It is a great ability to have as it makes the story come alive, and it makes reading almost the same as watching tv or movies for me. I am not sure if this is something that happens in my own brain—or more generally the reader’s brain—or if I am an anomaly. Maybe I am an anomaly because of my seeming lack of the ability to choose to just read the words on the page. Or is it just the mark of a good author? I’m not sure. There have been times when I have been reading a book that I know isn’t written as well, I still see it in my head but the picture seems thinner with more holes in it. It’s hard to explain. I still trance out into the story but I have to fill in a lot more from my own imagination.

I love that I have that ability. It happens when I read, when I’m trying to fall asleep, when I am doing some monotonous activity like driving or riding in the car. It especially happens when I am listening to music and driving. That’s often how I create my own stories. Unfortunately, so far I haven’t been able to make it happen while actually writing. My deficit comes in transferring what I see in my head to words on the page that will create similar pictures in the mind of a reader. Sounds complicated, right?

So that is why I wanted to study the way other authors handle description. Not to copy anything or get ideas, but just to see how they create that response in me. What I need to do is read the first book of a new series by an author I know already is able to create that kind of reaction with me, and see how the characterization and world building are handled. Luckily for me, both Larissa Ione and Jacquelyn Frank have started new series. Now I will have to figure out a way to read the words and analyze them instead of trancing out. I may have to reread each chapter before I go on. So my biggest issue will be finding time to read, write, work, run agility, spend time with my neglected husband, and all of the other activities I like to partake in.

Once I get closer to finishing, I will create an author fan page. I am determined to be successful in this because I enjoy making up stories and it’s about time I tried my hand at doing it professionally. This is sort of putting the cart before the horse, but I’m thinking of writing under my maiden name because it is much less common. Plus, if people google Kristen Davis they are just going to get a bunch of stuff about that Sex and the City chick. What do y’all think? Coming soon: Plotting vs. Pantsing, Left Brain vs. Right Brain. Can they work together?

Monday, April 4, 2011

Take the next step

I just finished the plot outline for my book. I didn't outline my first book, I free-wrote it and I got stuck in several places. I still haven't worked those issues out. While I love the effect of free-writing, I am hoping the outline will help me to not become stuck. That's not to say that the events won't change as I fill things in, but at least it gives me an idea of where things are going.

Time to start filling in the details. I'm glad I got to this point because I can start reading again. I didn't want my storyline to be unconsciously influenced by anything I read so I stopped reading mid-book. Now that I have my story together, I think I'm ok to finish reading. This next step is both exciting and scary. This is where I will learn whether this is something I can actually do, or if my story will turn out ridiculous. I keep reminding myself that I have read published novels that are worse than what I already have so there is always hope. Plus it's fun. I make up stories all the time, so it is interesting to push myself to actually write them down.

Well, I've got my glass of Johnny red, trying to get sleepy so my characters don't keep me awake. (Larissa assured me that her characters keep her awake too, so I'm not crazy! At least not for that reason!)I can't wait to start filling things in, but I know I need to step away from it for to night and chew on it a little more. My brain doesn't agree though. Good night and blessed be, all.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

A great weekend

So our dogs had a great weekend at the GMKC trial in Concord. Harley got 2 double Q's and a sum of like 59 mach points. Mo earned his open standard title so he is now in Excellent standard at barely two years old! Insane. You can read more about it on Davis Dog Sports.

James and I went out for sushi on Friday night and I told him my whole story for my book. I think he was a little overwhelmed, but it helped me work out some things just telling it from beginning to end. I know have the basic plot line for the first two "acts" in the book. The last act will be the hardest because it is the final conflict and resolution. I still haven't worked out all that is going to happen in that part, although I know what the final outcome will be.

Even when you really know your story, getting it all down can be very difficult. I just hope I am able to transfer that to print. Unfortunately, the whole process is making my already problematic insomnia worse. Because when I try to go to bed, I'm still playing out the story in my head. I'm hoping once I get the whole plot outline finished, the characters won't haunt me so much. Speaking of sleep, I think it's time. Goodnight all!

7 weddings unite same-sex couples -

7 weddings unite same-sex couples -

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Digging In

I downloaded a new program called Write Way to organize my book notes, thanks to Larissa Ione's suggestions on her website, and it is pretty awesome. I don't know if the tools will actually help me write, or even if I need help, but it is a really need way to organize notes, characters, chapters, and research. It makes it so much easier than keeping everything in a blank word file. I'm excited about writing again, and I think I'm in a better place to do it now.

In other news, unfortunately skiing in JH is not going to happen. The resort that was still going to be open when I got there has gone out of business or something. But I'll still get to hang out in JH and see Andrew get married, which is what it's all about. But the good thing that came of all this wasted prep is that I got back into skiing and James is going to keep doing it with me.

Also next week, in addition to the Columbia trial and the Avett Brothers concert, JONNY FREAKIN' LANG is coming to Charlotte!! I just happened to check out his tour dates today and it was like holy crap, that's next week! OMG! I've been wanting to see Jonny live for over 10 years since I started listening to him. I've heard live recordings and he is amazing live! My friend Amanda is going with me so it will be some good girl bonding time which we both need more of in general.

Lastly, I get to see my childhood best friend Travis get married in April as well. Tina is awesome and I am so happy for them. Plus I got a killer dress that I can't wait to show off! Gonna be a great month! Ok, I'm done with the exclamation points!

Monday, March 28, 2011


I'm on cloud freaking nine right now!

Backstory: Those who know me very very well know that I like to write stories, and that I even have a full (almost finished) first draft of a novel I've been chewing on for several years. It's nothing that I am pushing hard at, I just let it come when it comes because I have so many other demands on my time and brain. But I have been meaning to really get in there and finish it, possibly write one or two more, and then try and get published. Not for money or fame or anything, but just because it would be, well, awesome.

Fast forward: So I have been tweeting a bit with Larissa Ione, who I would have to name as my favorite author as of late. I wrote a blog post that was a discussion of a topic in one of her books, and then I tweeted her about it. I gave myself a challenge that if she actually read and commented on my blog, that I would take that as a sign to take my writing a bit more seriously and try to make something come of it. So sure enough, she did! Of course, she didn't comment on my writing itself, because that wasn't the point, but having a published author comment on your blog has to be a sign!

So tonight I emailed her (she makes herself very accessible to her readers) because I wanted to find out more about her writing style. Mine is somewhat out of the box, as I don't conform to one type of writing (plotters vs. pantsers in the vernacular, GOOGLEIT), and I just wanted to see where she falls. She's kind of the same way, she does a little bit of both, and she writes each book differently. So she made me feel like it really doesn't matter how you get your finished product, you can still be successful. And she wrote me back within the freaking hour! How amazing is that. So I'm going to give it a shot, and keep on writing. I will leave you with a quote from her:

"Truly...just write. Even if your first draft is crap like mine is, you can fix crap. You can't fix an empty page." ~Larissa Ione Love her!

It's Not Luck, It's GOD! (Crazy Church Signs)

This is one thing that bugs me to distraction with NO end. I remember back in the day when church signs were actually just meant to advertise coming events in the church, to welcome visitors, or give the times of the service. But it seems like in the last few years there has been an explosion of extremely corny, cutesy, and sometimes even condescending slogans, all seemed bent on outdoing each other. It really aggravates me because the messages could be meaningful, they could provide a little slice of what that church stands for but instead, they are just clich├ęs. So the one I passed on the way to work today stuck in my head:

"It's not luck, it's God!"

What does that even mean? It seems to come back to my earlier discussions about fate vs. God vs. free will. Some people would argue that God can only guide you and the rest of your decisions are left up to free will. Others argue that things are all predestined according to God's plan. So is this church asserting that what people believe to be luck is actually God influencing the direction of our lives? If some churches are to be believed, God controls all, so wouldn't luck and got be essentially the same thing? And why does this church choose to tackle the concept of luck, when there are so many greater topics? The people that this church would want to bring in would be people who are searching for a higher power, a meaning to life, a truer purpose. This type of person may only have luck to hope for. So wouldn't it be more useful to say "God is Luck" or "God creates Luck?" Not nearly as catchy to compete with the church down the street.

It just bothers me that these churches seem to think so little of the intelligence of the people driving along, that they would believe these inane little sayings would draw people in (or worse yet, they're only putting them up to keep up with the Jones'---er, Baptists). Why not say things like "Find your spiritual home with us", "God welcomes all comers", or something else that says what your church stands for. Those are more likely to draw someone even remotely intelligent.

Why am I bothering to discuss this, you might ask.... Well these sayings just remind me of all the reasons I stopped going to church in the first place, and they are the exact opposite of the reasons why I started going to PUUC. We don't put slogans up. We have a sign with the name of the church, and the rainbow flag proudly flying, which tells me all I need to know: All are welcome.

Questioning Fate--Fringe Theory

Here I will pick up where I left off in my questioning fate post. I wasn't aware that it was going to have a continuation and yet, here we are.

So.... what if life is just one big choose your own adventure book? What if each choice leads down a certain path that has a certain ending. And what if each story is already written for each choice, until the possible scenarios become infinite. Suppose if this is true, what if each of these paths are being lived in different planes of existence. Maybe there is another you in another dimension somewhere, living the life you would have had if you chose to go right instead of left. Suppose time isn't linear but a continuum. Repeating and repeating either simultaneously or in a giant loop. If this were the case, is there really any choice at all?

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 5

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same, 10

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!

~Robert Frost - The Road Not Taken

Sunday, March 27, 2011

There's never enough time

There were so many things I wanted to do this weekend. Clean the house, blog more than a couple of sentences, work on my book, read some on Sin Undone, among others. But I have been battling insomnia and it really hit me hard this week and weekend. So even when I did have free time this weekend, I felt awful. I took a several hour nap today after we got home from church, when I should have been cleaning. But I was of the mindset that at this point, I should take sleep whenever and wherever I can get it. Of course now my internal clock is off.... but I'm still tired enough that I hope I can get to sleep shortly. Good night all.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Plans for the day

Well, we're driving to Cornelius today. Gotta get the old oil changed and have lunch with the in-laws. Also delivering Liam's prize for participating in the Wood Designs shoot. I would dearly love to stay home all day and read, blog and clean the house. I'll just have to do that after. Or during! I'm wanting to try out my new blogger iPhone app. We'll see how that goes.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Jamie Cullum - Oh God

I know it's been a while since I have talked to you
But maybe you're the one who makes the winds blow
We're looking at the stars without explanation
We contemplate as kings and simple men on trial
Our little world's fragile

Oh God can you tell us when it's going to stop
Maybe it's not just down to you
Oh God can we win back what we have lost
So who's the last resort... Oh God

Tumbling towards unclear destinations
Do they wash away the blame,
The wind and the searing rains
As our powers interchange

Oh God can you tell us when it's going to stop
Maybe it's not just down to you
Oh God can we win back what we have lost
So who's the last resort... oh God

Oh God can you tell us when it's going to stop
Maybe it's not just down to you
Oh God can we win back what we have lost
So who's the last resort

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Questioning fate

I like the idea of keeping a journal/diary/blog. The thought of taking all of your twisted complicated thoughts and putting them down so that you can stop chewing on them in your own head, that really appeals to me. The problem that arises is being able to actually convey those thoughts so that they make sense, and then actually letting them go and wanting to do so. Don't know if I'll ever get to that point but I can try.

The issue I have been chewing on (among many) is how much of our daily lives are we in control of. How much is free will and how much is fate and/or God. There is a book series that I love (Demonica by Larissa Ione, yes I love PNR's, get over it!)that has a set of characters who are looked after and protected by angels. These people--both extremely good, extremely evil, and everything in between--are being protected not because of who they are or works that they have done, but because their lives are pivotal to the fate of the world as we know it. They have to be kept alive because of some part they play in the grand plot of the fate of the worlds. They could be an axe murderer, but sometime in their life they are going to affect a change this is supposed to happen, so they must be kept alive. If one of them dies, nothing immediately happens other than the pain of loss for the angel protecting them, and there is no way of knowing what catastrophic events may have been set it motion by their death. It could very well be the end of the world, but no one would know until it was upon them.

I find this idea intriguing and often wonder if there are similar things at work in real life, maybe on a much smaller scale, maybe not... Since last June when I became a Unitarian Universalist, I have had many debates (mostly with my mom) about free will vs. God's will. (For the purposes of this discussion, fate and God's will are interchangeable) It seems like any person or any religious sect can speculate and decide these based on what holds up their beliefs the most, but really there is absolutely no way to tell. As Rev. Robin Tanner told me, not knowing in itself can be a belief--believing that there is just no way to know for sure.

I digress, this is not meant to be a commentary on religion (or lack thereof). Back to Larrissa Ione's Memitim and Primori--The angels and the pivotal people they protect. I wonder if there are similar things in our own lives. There have been many times when I have met someone in passing that I have had the overwhelming feeling that I am supposed to know them. Sometimes that's all it is, but other times it worries me and pokes at me until I begin to feel like that person was supposed to spur on a crucial event in my life and there is no way to tell how NOT knowing them will affect the outcome of my life. But to what extent can you follow your intuition? When does it become more than just a weird thought, to something that you need to heed and act on? And what if you can't act on it? What if you just see a picture of this person but you never actually come across them in real life? What if they are a celebrity, a politician, or someone equally out of reach? You can't approach someone and say "My gut tells me you are supposed to play an important role in my life. Wanna go have coffee?" At best you may get laughed at, at worst you may get shot....

But the funniest thing is that it's the "Wanna go have coffee" part that scares me the most. I know people make friends all the time. But that part of someone that can just say 'what the hell, let's go hang out' has always been broken in me... And not like a sad, depressed, pitiful broken--but literally, clinically, broken. I've only just recently been able to do that reluctantly with beta dogs (look forward to my next discussion, Pack behavior: Alpha Dog), but it does not come easy. So what do you do? How do you follow your intuition without looking crazy? What if I am crazy? :) I know I am a little. Are there forces out there like the Memitim who are there to make sure you come in contact with these people (maybe places, things, animals as well, who knows?)--and if so, at what point does your free will take over to make sure that these connections are made. Maybe all that Fate/God gives you is that feeling--the inexplicable draw to those people, the feeling that you are supposed to know them. Maybe the plight of humanity is to risk the stigma of insanity or freakishness and act on those feelings. Maybe the people who are brave enough to truly do that are the ones who live their best lives. Again, as Rev. Robin said, not knowing can be a belief--but so can be acting on faith.

I certainly don't claim any kind of extra sensory perception. Hell, I barely have a grip on the sensory perceptions I'm supposed to have! But I do believe I am more sensitive to things around me--including the real, and what I perceive to be the paranormal or fantastical. I also tend to be hyper-intuitive about people. I am able to sense moods, personalities and intentions a lot sooner than most people. My psychologist believed this was because of my anxiety disorders and a lifetime of trying to react to things before they escalate. I'm not sure, but it has taught me to never ignore a strong feeling.

This has happened to me many times. Just the ones I can remember right now--a waitress, a barrista at a coffee house, an author, an actor. None of those I have acted on, other than to comment 'I really like him/her.' This probably explains why those people are the ones I can remember, and why I still keep chewing this concept in my head.

What would you do? How would you do it? I am honestly curious.

Stay tuned for my next pointless philosophical discussion!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Jonny Lang - Dying to live... think about it

You know I've heard it said theres beauty in distortion
By some people who withdraw to find their head
And they say there is humor in misfortune
No, I wonder if they'll laugh when I am dead

Why am I fighting to live
If I'm just living to fight
Why am I trying to see
When there aint nothing in sight
Why am I trying to give
When noone gives me a try
Why am I dying to live
If I'm just living to die

You know some people say that values are subjective
But theyre just speaking words
That someone else has said
And so they live and fight and kill with no objective
Sometimes its hard to tell the living from the dead

Why am I fighting to live
If I'm just living to fight
Why am I trying to see
When there aint nothing in sight
Why am I trying to give
When noone gives me a try
Why am I dying to live
If I'm just living to die

You know I used to weave
My words into confusion
And so I hope you'll understand me
When I'm through
You know I used to live my life as an illusion
But reality wil make my dream come true

So I'll keep fighting to live
Till theres no reason to fight
And I'll keep trying to see
Until the end is in sight
You know I'm trying to give
So come on
Give me a try
You know I'm dying to live
Until I'm ready to die

Monday, March 21, 2011

Starting over

I am revamping my blog, starting over. Maybe I will have something worthwhile to say...